I can’t say it enough…those are some of the best words in the English language. I know, because I see them. I see them ON TARIKU’S BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!!! Which I received in email form this morning. It was a surprise, as we were just hoping for news on a letter we needed to submit for the BC. Yet God is good, and here it is! It says it, it says we’re his parents. It justifies all the love we’ve been feeling for 19 weeks. It’s the most exciting piece of paper (save for perhaps my marriage certifiate) I’ve ever seen. Best of all, it has the tiniest little picture of that sweet face. Oh I’m in love!

So we will know for sure tomorrow morning when we travel. We are obviously hoping the 27th and that’s when our coordinator will ask for so don’t stop crossing those fingers yet!

Man, this feels good. I didn’t realize how much I was holding back (holding back, you ask, this was holding back?) Until that came in the mail and I knew we weren’t waiting on anything else. Now I can start lists. Lists make it real.

In other good news, Dailah has switched comfort songs. I hestitate to inform you that the ONLY song that could make her stop throwing a fit in the car used to be, “Bringing Sexy Back.” Yes, I realize what that says about me, but you must admit it’s a catchy tune. Anyway, I don’t even know the name of the song she’s switched to but it’s slightly better than JT. 🙂

Today my goal is to be uuber productive in hopes that I won’t keep remembering that the time keeps ticking to travel on the 27th. Our agency said they should know more info today. This is great, except it’s not. Odds are I’ll have the phone duct taped to my ear and check my email every 2 minutes and they won’t call. I’ll end up calling/writing and then MAYBE hear something. Let’s hope today is different. 🙂

Went to two good restaurants with 2 great sets of people over the weekend. It was nice to take my mind off things! So today I’ll try that again. Go to the Y, to Terre’s (don’t want to drive all the way back in to camp just to go to grocery store after naps), grocery store, move more stuff upstairs, cook dinner. Watch THE BACHELOR YIPPEEEE, and then go to bed. Let’s hope this is a success.

I’m thinking of our little guy more than ever today. I had so hoped I’d be in Ethiopia for his birthday. Even though it’s not as celebrated an event over there, it would have been the first significant “holiday” we had spent together. What better “holiday” than one that focuses solely on the blessing of his birth.

I know it was more like a random day they gave him as birthday but it is still so significant to us. He is 3 today. 3ish years ago his amaye and abaye were looking at this little swaddled baby and imagining his future with them. They had made plans and given him a name. Tariku Asamu Abyiu. Today is like a “rebirth” (for me, by the way) in the sense that on this birthday I am thinking of all those things for him. I am thinking of his future (as well as his past) and how lucky I am to be a part.

We’ll have a little celebration in Tariku’s honor when he’s home. But I want to send my birthday hugs to Addis today. When I prayed this morning I asked God to send them on Angels wings to the little boy I miss so intensely.

So yesterday we got a conference call with a few people from our agency. It was a good conversation because, unlike the past, we actually got concrete information about what is going on with our paperwork. It goes a little something like this. Basically something was wrong with our court order. We don’t know what, exactly, but something got lost in translation. In order to have that fixed, we must have a letter of support from the MOWA saying that this is a legitimate adoption, etc. MOWA is understaffed and overbooked, hence our paperwork being in limbo there. Right now we have our agency’s word that they are going to send their representative to MOWA’s office and find out 1) what was wrong with the court order in the first place and 2) what kind of timeline we can expect for the letter of support. In the meantime, they are going to do all the things they have control over so that once we get the letter we’re good to go. As of right now, they are still hopeful that we will travel on March 27th. In order for that to happen we do have to get that letter before next Friday.

So this was such a relief to me. I’ve felt so unsettled because I didn’t feel like I was getting straight answers as to WHAT exactly was going on. The main reason for that is because all communication had been through email which is never as good at phone call with regards to learning and comprehending such intricate information. Plus, I felt like a lot of my questions were being skipped over in email. Needless to say, we *hope* we’ll travel in a week and a half but are not optimistic as I remember very clearly them giving us a possible travel date of every Thursday so far in March. 🙂

Also yesterday the carpet was laid in our master BR, BA and hallway. As well as the guest BR and BA. We have just the great room, toy room and stairs to be laid and WE ARE DONE! We still have to paint the toy room and 2 walls in the kitchen but that’s besides the point. Either way we should be completely finished by Wednesday. Yippeee! It felt sooooo nice sleeping in our own room last night with the kids tucked in downstairs. I can’t even explain it to you.

Already managed to work in a St. Patty’s day parade today. Tonight we are going to an opening of a restaurant in Downtown Davenport that should be a lot of fun. I’ll keep you posted on the food!

Another sleepless night and somehow, I’m a bit more comforted. Had time to calm down after another 4 hours of painting. Got to watch Conan O’Brien for the first time in 5ish years, which is just always a pleasure.

So when I wasn’t sleeping I was thinking about what it means to be both a Jesus-loving life form and a human. All day yesterday I was just mad. Just mad. I was mad at the people in our way, I was mad at God. At just everything. Today I’m a bit better, still have a bit of animosity towards certain things but we’re getting there.

I was reminded by none other than Andy Landers himself (in a song, that is) about what a life in Christ can look like. Sometimes I forgot God has told us it wouldn’t be easy. I think He says something like, and I’m paraphrasing here; “if you live for me you might die for me. This life might suck sometimes and it might suck most of the time but it will be worth it. If you wanted an easy, happy-all-the-time life you should be a Scientologist” (no offense to Scientologists but you people do seem freakishly happy all the time).

So I’m okay. At the end of this, whenever that may be, the result is the same. We get Tariku. What a blessing that is. I can understand why God might continue to test our resolve on this and I am happy to report, though I’m certainly not perfect, my resolve has never been stronger.

Jody always says, no one adopts by accident. You don’t wake up one morning and found you’ve adopted on a drunken night 2 weeks ago. You don’t decide just once in a 9-month period to adopt. You decide every day. You decide every time you write a check (which is often), you decide every time you sign a piece of paper (which is often) and you decide EVERY TIME someone asks you why you’re adopting (which is also often). So I’ve decided, through all of that and more, that I love adopting. That I would continue to encourage and support anyone and everyone who expressed a desire in it. Because through it all, even though I don’t have Tariku yet, he is so. worth. it.

Here’s a sample of one of my favorites off Andy’s new CD (buy it here).

I stand here before you with all that I am
I’m reminded of all that You are.
Your mercy runs towards me and whispers my name
And Grace comes alive in my Heart

It defies comprehension that you would atone
So grateful that you would persist
You have retrieved me and called me your own
There’s nothing more magnificent than this

We interupt this regularly scheduled, somewhat witty, always sarcastic and typically “light” program to cry. And cry. And cry.

My “not fair” pitty party has reached new levels. I’m not convinced the people we hired to fight on behalf of our son are fighting as hard as I’d like them to. I’m thinking if I showed up in Addis tomorrow, without knowing any of their language, I’d get what I want. I’m convinced they’d see through all the external BS and get straight to the heart of the matter which is giving me my son.

I feel like God is keeping me restless about this for a reason. I hate ignoring Him. I’m kinda mad at Him today, I’ve told Him so. But I get this weird feeling like He’s keeping me up at night so I can hear Him. Hmmm, what could it be?

I’m a Christian, yes. But my human nature keeps taking me over and telling me to get mean. To get nasty. To tell the people standing in our way to stick it and let me at the problem. I’ve always been one of those people. If I can do it, I will. I know I’ll do it better than you anyways (no pride there). In my logical mind I cannot wrap my head around how this one problem has taken 6 weeks. It does not logistically fit when it’s not taken ANYONE ELSE I know this long to get what we need. Logistically it makes no sense, emotionally, it certainly makes no sense. I don’t want them to “try” I need them to “do”.

“Advocate” now there’s a word. It’s why we chose our agency in the first place. We heard they were good “advocates” for the children in Ethiopia. They do great humanitarian work in country, which was important to us. I’m not feeling the advocating love for Tariku through this and it’s flippin pissing me right off. It HAS to be about him. Sure, the care center is great, and people constantly remind me he’s been well taken care of there. But I would hazard to guess it is not the love he needs. I would hazard to guess they don’t love him like I will and they don’t wake up every morning thinking about him and praying for him. I would hazard a guess that they haven’t put some aspects of their lives on hold for him. I dare say he’s not being taken care of AS GOOD AS HE COULD BE. And that, that’s most important.

I must go teach PUMP. Tonight, I shall go up in weight in every song in hopes that I can make my physical pain match my emotional. It just feels off right now.

Did you know in Ethiopia:

One in ten children die before their first birthday
One in six children die before their fifth birthday
44% of the population of Ethiopia is under 15 years old
60% of children in Ethiopia are stunted because of malnutrition
The median age in Ethiopia is 18 years
1.5 million people are infected with AIDS (6th highest in the world)
720,000 children have been orphaned by AIDS alone
Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any country in Africa
In the 90s the population (3%) grew faster than food production (2.2%)
Drought struck the country from 2000-2002 (first year no crops, second year no seeds, third year no animals)
Half the children in Ethiopia will never attend school. 88% will never attend secondary school.
Coffee prices (Ethiopia’s only major export) fell 40-60% from 1998-2002.
Ethiopia’s doctor to children ratio is 1 to 24,000.
In 1993, after 30 long years of war, Eritrea broke from Ethiopia and became an independent nation leaving Ethiopia landlocked without any major seafaring ports.
Ethiopia has approx. 4.3 million orphans and the country is twice the size of Texas.

So I posted this because not a lot of people know these numbers of Ethiopia. I don’t want it to sound all doom and gloom, there is also much hope in Ethiopia. As always, I’ll put my money on hope and one day Ethiopia will no longer be a country of statistics.

From email correspondence, it sounds like March 27th will be too soon for us as well. So no longer March. Tariku’s birthday is on Sunday. I won’t see him for it, I won’t see him for the week after. I MIGHT see him the month after but that might be pushing it.

I can’t wait for the day when I can come back and talk about things of Ethiopia that I haven’t read or seen in books.

I can’t sleep. I can’t get over this one. I’m an optimist and this latest setback is shaking me to my very core.

I’m not a fighter by nature. But I am definitely thinking of borrowing one of camp’s guns tomorrow and shooting something. It’ll be small, like a squirrel (sorry anyone who’s offended by this but I dare you to confront me about it at this point). I think I’ll nickname it something and then I’ll feel better.

Yep, that’s it, I’m going to shoot something.

Those were the words Jan said to us about traveling next week. “I am not hopeful about next week”. It is increasingly difficult to maintain hope at all in this process. She said 3 other families of hers are in this same boat and of course I ask why? Even though I read, and reread the poem Cassie sent me, I ask why? I’m wondering if God is hearing me and wondering if He really knows what’s best for me. Clearly, I know what’s best for me, right? (sarcasm there) But here I sit. Giving the kids a bath, staring at ridiculously expensive shampoo I bought for our little guy clear across the world. It’s ready to suds up and I’m ready to run it over his hair. We’re all ready.

I have just had so many ill-fated “intuitions” that the 20th was our week to travel. I don’t know how they were so misleading as I’m usually pretty good at that kind of stuff. I guess I’ve never wanted something so badly for so long. I’ve wanted to adopt for a long time. I’ve wanted Tariku specifically for over 4 months. He’s been ours. Legally deemed a Klipsch, for 5 weeks. I know these numbers don’t mean a lot to you but they do to me. They mean A LOT to me. They mean, by all intents and purposes, that if I were anyone else but me, Tariku would be here, in this bath. He would be here being the other Ninja Turtle for Trysten and helping Dailah bang on the water drums.

This is the problem, I see him doing our every day things and yet, he is not doing those things. He’s doubtfully doing any of them at the care center. I’m done talking about this. I wish I was done thinking about it, but that’s not going to happen.

On a lighter note…I got A LOT of painting done today. Jody babysat the kids for the morning which was SO HELPFUL and I and another friend of mine got a lot of painting done. Just one and 3/4 rooms left and we’re done painting. For life. Forever. The carpet layers (I kept calling them “carpenters” until Zach finally asked, “Tesi, seriously, do you think Jesus layed carpet?) are coming on Friday to get as much as they can done and then probably finish on Monday. I’m hoping to entice them with pizza and chocolate to work their non-Jesusesque butts off to get it done Friday. 🙂

Off to find chocolate of any kind and liquor of any kind. Peace out.

Cassie sent me this. I hate her for this because it’s true. Doesn’t mean I like it any better. 🙂

(P.S. Did you notice I was able to highlight her name? Thanks, Tarah!)

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate…
and the Master so gently said,”Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!”
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?”
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign.
Or even a ‘no,’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You’d never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if you missed what I’m doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still “WAIT”