June 9, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

My birthday

I love birthdays, not just mine-though I’m partial to it, all of them. I would say it’s a fairly common occurence that I’m more excited than the birthday person about his/her birthday. What’s not to celebrate? Life! It happened and continues to happen every day! What a gift!

Zach caught on early on in our relationship that I love birthdays and that on my birthday I just loooove to be spoiled. Not in the gift department, the truth is I really could care less about receiving any gifts, but in the thoughtfulness department. As the person who makes most of the decisions regarding the house/kids/babysitting/date nights, etc I get the day off! So if there is a date to be had, I don’t want to correspond with the babysitter. If there’s a meal to be prepared, I don’t want to think about preparing it. Truly that, for me, is the very definition of a gift!

If there’s one thing that became abundantly clear all day it was that I am loved by far more people than I deserve and that I’m far more grateful than they will ever know for that.

A few of my friends met me at the Y to do one of our favorite classes together. You know when you’re just in the same room as so much good energy that it rubs off on you and you’re left feeling like you just got a 2 hour massage? Yeah that.

Oh and I taught Bodypump. Ashley-far left in above pic-took this picture of me and captioned it, “It’s her birthday and she’ll pump if she wants to.” Loved that.

Zach had the kids bring me a balloon-just to my left in above picture-and flowers during my class and then took us all to one of my favorite restaurants afterwards. The Olive Tree is 2 thumbs up if you’re in the QC area!

I scheduled a hair trim (for the side of my head that actually has hair) with my favorite stylist EVER. Molly never judges what I want and is able to understand when I say stuff like, “I want a little shorter here, keep it long right there, probably get rid of some weight and then just guess the rest.” Also she just had one of the most beautiful babies I’ve ever seen a few months ago and already looks amazing, we will forgive her of that indiscretion friends. (And did I mention they serve wine at the hair studio? Wine people!)

Bigs had a baseball game (actually littles did too but I wasn’t aware of that until we got the to the fields…that’s neither here nor there) and I got to watch Trysten and Tariku pitch and Tomas take a few hard hits to the outfield. Also got to hang with my nephew Cassius, win-win-win-win for me!

Finally, Zach and I tried a new restaurant for dinner. He set up the babysitter, he figured out dinner for the children, he made the night (and my life) everything good and lovely.

I happened to have been born on my mom’s birthday. So fun every year to call her on my birthday and sing her happy birthday. A day to celebrate my life and the life of one of my favorite women in all the world? It’s just too much happiness, really.

Do you guys love birthdays? You love gifts or thoughts more? Be honest. 🙂

June 2, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

Photo Dump

Zach trims Hagrid’s hair. We are too cheap to spend $45 on a dog’s hair cut, so it gets sub par trims regularly. No idea why it’s as adorable as it is.

Trysten ran into a door while playing hide and go seek. I’d say monthly I text my sister (a pharmacist) and one of my sister-in-laws (a PA) with a picture and the question, “Stitches or no?” We decided to try butterfly band aids on this one and it seems to be heeling fine-ish.

Zach makes this amazing spaghetti squash alfredo dinner. The man has lost about 25 lbs in the last few months and has taken a new interest in healthier cooking/eating. Everything about this picture turns me on.

I mean, seriously…

Summer has officially started! I LOVE having the kids home full-time (most of the time). Their picture on the first day of school (top) and last day (bottom). This is as close to Pinterest-worthy as this blog gets so Pin away people. 😉

Bridget was in Chicago for a wedding and I successfully talked her into swinging by on her way home. Though I wish it was for longer, sometimes you just have to be around a person to feel better about life-she’s one of those people.

The kiddos.

My big 3 do their own laundry. They each get a little basket and when it’s full, start the process. I love this system and it really has worked for us all…until baseball season. They’ve collectively decided it doesn’t make sense to wash the uniforms when they will just be getting them dirty the next day (who can argue with this logic? Not me). It’s reached a breaking point, though, and I’m really suppressing the Tes(i) by not doing their laundry for them. They are still ridiculously cute, though.

A camp counselor from the last few years (one of the favorites for sure) was at camp a few days ago and said, “I want to babysit your kids, how about Friday?” Um, yes. Any chance to spend alone time with Zach is treasured and right before summer camp is an almost necessity. Love him.

Yesterday was a super fun event Color the Quad (basically a Color run in the Quad Cities). Some of the money raised went to Camp Abe Lincoln and so all of the counselors got to be the ones spraying the children runners with color. Zach got to start the event so the whole family went and the kids ended up getting to be part of the fun too. This community is just so awesome.

After the running was over it became a free for all with my kids and counselors.

Binyam definitely go the worst of it. This kid who constantly has snot on his face had blue snot the rest of the day. Gross. When Tariku saw him he exclaimed, “Binyam you look like the guys from Bodies Revealed!” And it was kind of true.

So cute.

After the Color the Quad we went to the Farmer’s Market. Besides some local spicy cheese curds (a request from Tomas) and salsa (a request from Zach) we bought this-a bow tie for Hagrid. It was almost a necessity. Almost.

April 16, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

Trail Run

Living in Iowa I am used to the varying temperatures daily-especially certain times of the year. Saturday was bitter cold (and yay! each kid had soccer games!) hovering somewhere around 35 when you factored in wind but Sunday was beautiful-closer to 70s.

Though I’ve never been a long distance runner (my collegiate track coach tried so hard, bless his heart, to push me into the 400-800 meter range but I was most comfortable in the 100-200 meter range) I do enjoy a good trail run from time to time. It just brings out the kid in me when I have to jump over puddles or logs.

After lunch on Sunday I asked the kids if anyone wanted to join me on my run and all 5 jumped at the chance. Admittedly I was kind of looking forward to a solo jog to find that meditative quality that can sometimes come but I’ve never been able to resist some QT with the kids and so off we went.

At church that morning our pastor talked to us about how God is in every moment, yes, but that in particular he’s in this moment. That our past is often clouded in shame and our future is often draped in fear but in this moment, the one right. now. we can decide to be in it. To invest fully in this breath, and then the next one and then the next. Not remaining imprisoned by the past or captive of the future just here and now.

I don’t know what it was about that run but I was doing it. And it was awesome.

Watching the big 3 take off at a pretty quick pace and hold it the whole time reminded me how youth is wasted on the young (;)) what I wouldn’t give to hold that clip for 30 full minutes!

Dailah enjoyed running with her arms open wide, lifted to the sun. It looked like 30 minutes of gratitude, it was beautiful.

When I was talking to Bean’s Kindergarten teacher she said, “Bean exemplifies perseverance. No one perseveres like Bean does.” For kids like Bean who couldn’t walk before he was 3-years-old, perseverance is the only way they know how to live. I’ve found people go one of two ways when they’ve been dealt a hand like Bean has-they either give up or they fight like hell. My Bean is a fighter. I’ll never know what it’s like to run for 30 minutes on feet that have been operated on 3 times and still give me pain daily but I’ll know what it’s like to witness perseverance because I get to see it in my youngest every day.

Days like today-post 9/11, Newtown and Boston I am infinitely aware of how lucky I am to hold my 5 babes in my arms. To be able to run! And laugh! And see the first signs of spring! I’m able to really breathe in the now because the now just feels so. damn. good.

April 11, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

5 years

I can hardly believe 5 years ago we landed in the Quad Cities for the first time with Tariku as our son.

This picture was captured the moment after we met Tariku for the first time.

As much time as I had spent staring at his picture the months leading up to us flying to Ethiopia, I was shocked by him in the flesh. I couldn’t get over how bright his eyes were-even more than in his pictures-or how small he was. I had no idea that his smell would smell familiar even though I had never been to Ethiopia before, never held a strange 3-year-old and called him son.

When I look at that picture I see so much innocence in all of our faces. ~~As well as the troubling realization that I overplucked my eyebrows.~~ We had no idea how much work was ahead of us to actually feel like a family. It felt so real so immediately I think it blindsided us all when it took a little longer to find our footing.

But mostly when I think of this day 5 years ago I think of how much I have changed because of Tariku. I knew that I could be an advocate for my child but I had no idea the strength I possessed before him. I knew I had a remarkable capacity to love, but I had no idea that sometimes wasn’t enough for my babe who felt so much loss. I knew from the moment I saw his sweet picture on my computer screen that I would love him for the rest of my life but I had no idea how that very love would open my eyes and tear off my skin in a way that had never been done before.

That day 5 years ago was a new stage of vulnerability for me that I was ill prepared for but has reaped in me a newer, better human. If it weren’t for Tariku, I genuinely don’t think I’d be who I am today. Despite all my flaws, the me now is so much better than the me then.

Today as I meditated I fought back tears the whole time. The feeling of gratitude is so alive on days like today-days that I recognize the magnitude of what happened 5 years ago.

So thankful for that day, and for this day. Because then and now Tariku is my son. My amazing, beautiful son.

*I blogged about our first trip to Ethiopia starting here if you’re interested.

March 28, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

Empty

You know how when you are going through the birthing process and you’ve been pushing for 3 hours (no? just me?) and you swear to yourself-and your husband-that you will never, ever, ever be doing this again because it’s the worst kind of pain you’ve ever experienced and then the baby is placed on your belly and you’re all “oh yeah, I’m totally doing this again.”?

Or when you’ve hit the 4th snag in your adoption process, this process that was supposed to take x amount of time is now taking 3x and you swear to yourself-and your husband-that you will never, ever, ever be doing this again because seeing the face of your angel so far from you and not being able to go there is the worst kind of pain you’ve ever experienced. Then you meet that little one and you feel heaven slam into earth and you’re all “oh yeah, I’m definitely doing this again.”?

That space in between, that’s an empty space. You’re drained of your energy, your commitment, your time. It feels like you’ve poured it all into the process and now it’s gone and you’re all, fuuuuudge this sucks. Then you get through it and switch to, “Well I guess it wasn’t that bad.” because now you’re full. Because you’ve completed the process and all of that energy resulted in something and you look back and you forget how empty you once were because now you’re just so full!

I am totally empty these days.

My energy, my love, my time is being poured into Miss A and I am worn. out.

I have friends who have adopted little babies/toddlers and they talk so real about how trauma has affected their peanuts even though they were so small. I adopted only boys over the age of 3 so it seemed not so big a leap to assume the boys remembered/felt their loss (this is not to say I didn’t believe my friends, only to say I knew my boys were feeling it because they could tell me). Then we started taking care of A and anytime she meets with her family she has explosive diarrhea and night terrors for 2 days. 2 days. Her fear, her trauma, her past is so visceral this not yet 2-year-old doesn’t tell me she’s scared verbally but boy is it obvious!

So I pour it on, oh I lay it on thick. “How smart you are saying please and thank you!” “You are so beautiful!” I correct behavior that was learned under the fight or flight mechanism and I look her in the eyes and say comforting words or give a firm redirection. I pretend like I’m super glad she found me in the bathroom when I was hoping for a few minutes alone. Well, I do all that when I’m full-after a date night with Zach or lunch with friends.

When I’m empty I talk less, she looks at me sideways. She’s smart-yes she is. She knows when someone is only going through the motions and so she’s on to me when I’m empty. When I’m empty it exacerbates all of her issues.

And so I’m empty.

It feels so unfair to my kids who get only half the mom they were hoping to get (to be fair, they often fill me up when I need it as well). It feels most unfair to Zach who, yesterday, woke up to me saying, “I’m not going to talk to you right now. Everything is fine, I just can’t right now. I love you, but I can’t talk to you.”

I am in the middle.

A few months ago-I was out of the process. Before foster care we were in such a good rhythm that I had forgotten what it was like. I was so full I was giving energy away for free, man, here’s some of mine-take what you need.

Despite being empty and exhausted and near tears a lot of the day I’m so thankful I’m here. Because it reminds me that everyone is going through something. It reminds me not to pretend like I know the answers when my friends who are empty ask why I’m so full. It reminds me to say, “You’re in the thick of it. Press on, mama, you can do it.” Instead of, “Meditate, pray, have a big glass of wine.” Those things help but they are quick fixes to a long, laborious process.

So if you’re out there, if you’re empty too, just know that we are in the thick of it. Know that I love you, I get it. Press on, we can do it.

March 23, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

Bodies Revealed

Friday the kids and I got to see an exhibit at our local museum, “Bodies Revealed”. It. was. fascinating.

For those not familiar, the exhibit features real bodies donated to specifically to the display. The bodies are put into different exercise poses (there was a soccer player, a golfer, etc). The skin is stripped off revealing muscles, bones, ligaments, etc. There are also separate cases with different organs.

My favorite part was definitely the discussions with the kids as they walked through the exhibit. There were lungs blackened from smoking, heart/lungs enlarged by obesity and a liver corroded by alcohol. Fascinating.

There was one case that featured a lung full of pneumonia. One of my darlings whose story is entwined with the disease was found coming back to the case over and over.

The body is an incredible thing. It made me remember just why I love being a fitness instructor/personal trainer-watching people learn to work with their bodies (as opposed to against) is a wonderful thing. Training people to fall in love with fitness and health is a really exciting job because it shows me every day that people are stronger than they think they are, they can do more than they believe and their bodies are capable of miraculous things.

If something like this comes into your town you must go see it! Then come back and tell me what you loved about it.

Until then, another picture at the exhibit, this one with my precious nephew Cassius!

March 17, 2013 by Tesi Klipsch

Sisters

As soon as I had Dailah I knew I wanted a sister for her.

My sister, Kara, and I are just 2 years apart and though we weren’t always super close growing up (she looooved reading books by herself in her room, I looooooved hassling her to come play with me) our relationship is now one I rely on daily.

I see the boys interact with each other and want that for Dailah. She typically plays with the boys pretty well but every once in awhile I’ll see her alone in her room playing with Barbies having to shift from one spot to the other, changing her voice as she goes so that she can successfully act out a scene.

The boys ask for friends to come over or stay the night but not like Dailah does. Daily Dailah has a new note for me, “Mommy I know I ask all of the time but can (x) PLEASE come over and play with me?!?!?”

My girl is a social butterfly. When the boys discuss new concepts they learned in math or the book they read in english, Dailah talks about who said what and who got sent to the reflection room. She physically looks like Zach but behaves so much like me sometimes that it takes me back a bit. A few days ago Dailah told me she has resorted to developing an imaginary friend to talk to because Binyam listens really well but doesn’t talk very much.

I told Zach wanting a sister for Dailah was one of the reasons I wanted to be a foster parent. Of course it wasn’t the main reason but I thought it was a way that we could give her a person to play with (preferably a girl) and maybe, if it was the right fit and the child’s parents experienced termination of rights, we could adopt her. Zach told me it probably wasn’t a good idea to do anything just because I wanted a sister for Dailah.

Obviously he was right in the sense that it would be a pretty horrible reason if it were the only reason, but the reality is I love girls. Dailah is so much fun. Two nights ago Zach and I were going on a date night and, after seeing what I was wearing, Dailah went in to help Zach figure out his outfit as well. She helps me pick out all of my accessories too but she also loves to learn about cooking and fashion. Dailah is the only other girl in our whole family, she and I share a little something extra because of that fact.

Though our relationship can one day be like friends and confidants, I don’t believe it should be that way now. It seems unfair that the boys have each other-best friends in every sense of the word-right in their own home and she has no one.

I wish you could’ve seen how excited she was that we got a girl kitten. A girl. kitten. “We have another girl in the family, mom! Aren’t you so excited!” It doesn’t take much to excite Dailah, for that I’m thankful.

I think it’s safe to say having Miss A around has been kind of a wake up call for us both. Yes, she’s a girl and yes, she’s of age that they play well together some of the time, but it’s just not exactly what we were thinking.

Clearly I know no relationship is perfect but I’ve heard Dailah changing her tune a little bit, “Mom, I guess my friends at school are kind of my sisters, right? And Adley Sue and Tayehu (her cousins) are kind of my sisters, right? And Eli, even though he’s a boy, he’s like my sister because he’s my best friend.” Yes, Dailah, they are just like your sisters.

I told Zach I realize that I don’t want a sister for Dailah, I just want another Dailah. She is so much fun. If I could twin her I would. The three of us would get into some real shenanigans. But I can’t, so there’s that.

Last night I was thinking about my best friends. With a few exceptions, they are all my sisters. I have one biological sister but I have four sisters-in-law that I’m really close to. Close to in a way I didn’t think was possible before I married Zach. With my brother’s wife I often talk to her way more than I talk to him. Though I love him dearly, I’m often more excited to see her than I am to see him (only because she likes to talk as much as I do. heehee)

Zach’s sister is nothing but a soul sister of mine. I like to think of her as a better looking, smarter, taller version of myself. I’m not sure I would’ve stuck with Zach this long if his sister weren’t part of the package. 😉 (In below picture she is right next to me). The women Zach’s brothers married are equally amazing. I look forward to the days when we’re all together and can often be found “encouraging” Zach to make that happen. I love how easily we slip back into conversation even when we haven’t seen each other for a bit. I had no idea I would find actual sisters in my marriage, but man what an extravagant blessing.

I wish I could look into Dailah’s eyes and tell her that she’ll find sisters throughout her life and have her believe it. I wish I could tell her sisters are often not found in the family you grow up with but in the relationships you build throughout life.

As I look at my life I realize sisterhood isn’t a place you’re born into but a place you build. I want her to learn how to develop a sisterhood wherever she finds herself. I want her to learn early on how to encourage other women, how to build them up and root for their success. I want her to learn to invest her time in strong female relationships so she’ll always have someone on her side who will tell her when she’s being ridiculous but also tell her when she’s all she was made to be.

I love my sister with everything, but I also happen to believe even if we weren’t born into the same family we would’ve found each other anyway. Though we are two very different people, we work.

So I’ve taken the pressure off Zach and me (somewhere Zach says, “Hallelu!”) to provide this for Dailah. Because I know her and I know how smart she is, how funny and beautiful. Because I know everything about her I know she’ll have no problem finding a sister herself-she just won’t find it in her home. And finally (I think) I’m ok with that.

Hotflawedmama's All Grown Up

We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. -Anais Nin

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