We interupt this regularly scheduled, somewhat witty, always sarcastic and typically “light” program to cry. And cry. And cry.

My “not fair” pitty party has reached new levels. I’m not convinced the people we hired to fight on behalf of our son are fighting as hard as I’d like them to. I’m thinking if I showed up in Addis tomorrow, without knowing any of their language, I’d get what I want. I’m convinced they’d see through all the external BS and get straight to the heart of the matter which is giving me my son.

I feel like God is keeping me restless about this for a reason. I hate ignoring Him. I’m kinda mad at Him today, I’ve told Him so. But I get this weird feeling like He’s keeping me up at night so I can hear Him. Hmmm, what could it be?

I’m a Christian, yes. But my human nature keeps taking me over and telling me to get mean. To get nasty. To tell the people standing in our way to stick it and let me at the problem. I’ve always been one of those people. If I can do it, I will. I know I’ll do it better than you anyways (no pride there). In my logical mind I cannot wrap my head around how this one problem has taken 6 weeks. It does not logistically fit when it’s not taken ANYONE ELSE I know this long to get what we need. Logistically it makes no sense, emotionally, it certainly makes no sense. I don’t want them to “try” I need them to “do”.

“Advocate” now there’s a word. It’s why we chose our agency in the first place. We heard they were good “advocates” for the children in Ethiopia. They do great humanitarian work in country, which was important to us. I’m not feeling the advocating love for Tariku through this and it’s flippin pissing me right off. It HAS to be about him. Sure, the care center is great, and people constantly remind me he’s been well taken care of there. But I would hazard to guess it is not the love he needs. I would hazard to guess they don’t love him like I will and they don’t wake up every morning thinking about him and praying for him. I would hazard a guess that they haven’t put some aspects of their lives on hold for him. I dare say he’s not being taken care of AS GOOD AS HE COULD BE. And that, that’s most important.

I must go teach PUMP. Tonight, I shall go up in weight in every song in hopes that I can make my physical pain match my emotional. It just feels off right now.

Did you know in Ethiopia:

One in ten children die before their first birthday
One in six children die before their fifth birthday
44% of the population of Ethiopia is under 15 years old
60% of children in Ethiopia are stunted because of malnutrition
The median age in Ethiopia is 18 years
1.5 million people are infected with AIDS (6th highest in the world)
720,000 children have been orphaned by AIDS alone
Per capita, Ethiopia receives less aid than any country in Africa
In the 90s the population (3%) grew faster than food production (2.2%)
Drought struck the country from 2000-2002 (first year no crops, second year no seeds, third year no animals)
Half the children in Ethiopia will never attend school. 88% will never attend secondary school.
Coffee prices (Ethiopia’s only major export) fell 40-60% from 1998-2002.
Ethiopia’s doctor to children ratio is 1 to 24,000.
In 1993, after 30 long years of war, Eritrea broke from Ethiopia and became an independent nation leaving Ethiopia landlocked without any major seafaring ports.
Ethiopia has approx. 4.3 million orphans and the country is twice the size of Texas.

So I posted this because not a lot of people know these numbers of Ethiopia. I don’t want it to sound all doom and gloom, there is also much hope in Ethiopia. As always, I’ll put my money on hope and one day Ethiopia will no longer be a country of statistics.

From email correspondence, it sounds like March 27th will be too soon for us as well. So no longer March. Tariku’s birthday is on Sunday. I won’t see him for it, I won’t see him for the week after. I MIGHT see him the month after but that might be pushing it.

I can’t wait for the day when I can come back and talk about things of Ethiopia that I haven’t read or seen in books.

I can’t sleep. I can’t get over this one. I’m an optimist and this latest setback is shaking me to my very core.

I’m not a fighter by nature. But I am definitely thinking of borrowing one of camp’s guns tomorrow and shooting something. It’ll be small, like a squirrel (sorry anyone who’s offended by this but I dare you to confront me about it at this point). I think I’ll nickname it something and then I’ll feel better.

Yep, that’s it, I’m going to shoot something.

Those were the words Jan said to us about traveling next week. “I am not hopeful about next week”. It is increasingly difficult to maintain hope at all in this process. She said 3 other families of hers are in this same boat and of course I ask why? Even though I read, and reread the poem Cassie sent me, I ask why? I’m wondering if God is hearing me and wondering if He really knows what’s best for me. Clearly, I know what’s best for me, right? (sarcasm there) But here I sit. Giving the kids a bath, staring at ridiculously expensive shampoo I bought for our little guy clear across the world. It’s ready to suds up and I’m ready to run it over his hair. We’re all ready.

I have just had so many ill-fated “intuitions” that the 20th was our week to travel. I don’t know how they were so misleading as I’m usually pretty good at that kind of stuff. I guess I’ve never wanted something so badly for so long. I’ve wanted to adopt for a long time. I’ve wanted Tariku specifically for over 4 months. He’s been ours. Legally deemed a Klipsch, for 5 weeks. I know these numbers don’t mean a lot to you but they do to me. They mean A LOT to me. They mean, by all intents and purposes, that if I were anyone else but me, Tariku would be here, in this bath. He would be here being the other Ninja Turtle for Trysten and helping Dailah bang on the water drums.

This is the problem, I see him doing our every day things and yet, he is not doing those things. He’s doubtfully doing any of them at the care center. I’m done talking about this. I wish I was done thinking about it, but that’s not going to happen.

On a lighter note…I got A LOT of painting done today. Jody babysat the kids for the morning which was SO HELPFUL and I and another friend of mine got a lot of painting done. Just one and 3/4 rooms left and we’re done painting. For life. Forever. The carpet layers (I kept calling them “carpenters” until Zach finally asked, “Tesi, seriously, do you think Jesus layed carpet?) are coming on Friday to get as much as they can done and then probably finish on Monday. I’m hoping to entice them with pizza and chocolate to work their non-Jesusesque butts off to get it done Friday. 🙂

Off to find chocolate of any kind and liquor of any kind. Peace out.

Cassie sent me this. I hate her for this because it’s true. Doesn’t mean I like it any better. 🙂

(P.S. Did you notice I was able to highlight her name? Thanks, Tarah!)

Wait

by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate…
and the Master so gently said,”Wait.”

“Wait? you say wait?” my indignant reply.
“Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!”
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I’m claiming your Word.

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to Wait?”
I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign.
Or even a ‘no,’ to which I’ll resign.
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:
I’m weary of asking! I need a reply.

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
as my Master replied again, “Wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting…for what?”
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine…
and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You’d have what you want, but you wouldn’t know Me.
You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint.
You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.
You’d not learn to see through clouds of despair;
you’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there.
You’d not know the joy of resting in Me
when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You’d never experience the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that’s beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

You’d never know should your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
but oh, the loss if you missed what I’m doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still “WAIT”

6 hours of painting. 2 rooms done, one coat on another done. That means one more coat in that room, a closet and then our big room, then we’re done. Painting. Forever. I hate it.

I found out today that I push EXTREMELY hard when I’m rolling paint. Kind of hilarious. But now everything hurts. My teeth hurt. Almost there. Almost there.

No news on the adoption. Perhaps I should find out what the Amharic word for “No news on the adoption” is and nickname Tariku that.

I’ve been tagged by “Herdegens” (one of these days I’ll learn to make that able to just go to it). By the way, can you tell Zach left the computer at home when he had to travel for work? Yippee!!!

P.S. We won’t hear anything on the adoption today. Jan said she tried to call the peeps and wasn’t able to get ahold of anyone. Here’s to tomorrow!

HERE’S HOW YOU PLAY. ONCE YOU’VE BEEN TAGGED YOU HAVE TO WRITE A BLOG OF TEN WEIRD, RANDOM THINGS, FACTS OR HABITS ABOUT YOURSELF. AT THE END, YOU CHOOSE FIVE PEOPLE TO BE TAGGED, LISTING THEIR NAMES AND WHY YOU CHOSE THEM TO BE TAGGED. DON’T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT “YOU’RE IT” AND TO READ YOUR BLOG. YOU CAN’T TAG THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU. SINCE YOU CAN’T TAG THAT PERSON BACK, LET HIM OR HER KNOW WHEN YOU’VE POSTED YOUR BLOG SO HE OR SHE CAN READ YOUR ANSWERS.

1) I love sweatpants but pretend I love heels. Don’t tell my husband this. I love fashion, love high heels, love all that…on other people. I prefer sweatpants and spent most of my high school in them. But most of my closet is filled with cute clothes.

2) I am prejudice….against smokers. Today on the treadmill a smoker hopped on the one next to me. I smelled his nasty smokey breath the whole time and I could think of nothing else but leaning over and punching him in the stinky mouth (sorry smokers!)

3) I sleep with 2 stuffed animals. I always put them under my arms when I sleep on my belly. I’ve done it since my boobs started growing and they hurt (the animals made my boobs kind of come off the bed) and haven’t been able to sleep well without them since.

4) I am constantly looking at my personal training client’s food logs and telling them to make wiser choices on their snacks, etc. While I’m telling them this stuff, I’m thinking of the Snickers bar I’ll be consuming once I get home. I have absolutely horrendous eating habits.

5) Since Tarah talked about her ahem, gas problems, ahem. I thought I’d join. I actually don’t fart. I’m serious. Zach thought I was just one of “those girls” that pretended they didn’t when we first got together. After 6 years he’ll back me up on this. I don’t know why I don’t. It comes out in burp form if I have any extra gas. I think my husband makes enough for the both of us, though.

6) 5 minutes of dancing. It’s important to me. Every day, the kids and I get 5 continuous minutes of dancing. Some days I go for silly dancing, other days I whip out moves I remember from my days in dance class. It just depends on what I’m feeling. Today is definitely going to be a “Pop the collar” kind of day, I think. By the way, I’ve often thought I should post a small part of our 5 minutes on my blog. I’m sure it would be entertaining and it might even get us on Ellen!

7) I have a mole by my mouth, Cindy Crawford style. Unfortunately it’s REALLY light and you can’t really see it most of the time. When I was younger I used to put brown eye pencil on it to make it look more like a birth mark. Gross.

8) I once won a competition for who could postpone shaving their legs the longest. In high school I went most of the basketball season without shaving (and yes, I played basketball; and yes, I wore shorts; and yes, I had a boyfriend who loved me despite it. :)) That’s 3 months, folks.

9) I get REALLY bad motion sickness. When I was younger I used to get strep throat every time we would travel. If you ask my parents, I screamed any time we were in the car (I think they MUST be exaggerating!) Imagine my nerves about traveling 20+ hours and bringing home a 3-year-old!

10) I am flippin obsessed with blogs. Blogging, reading blogs, subscribing to blogs, tattooing blogs (not yet) whatever it is. Love blogging!

I tag: Cassie..because she needs to blog, Julie and Tony…because I’m interested, Jody III…because she has too much time on her hands…teehee, Baby Blaker…because I want to learn more about my hopeful travel mate, Sweet Peas..cuz she’s so interesting!

So my sister, yes the one that writes “Farm Raised” blog, was in the Chicago Tribune yesterday! SOO exciting but not at all surprising. Read her fantastic piece here,
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/chi-organic_food_thinkmar09,0,2889815.story

Another great read about Ethiopian adoptions. It talks about the great work our agency is doing and mentions Tariku (well, a different Tariku, but a Tariku nonetheless!:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/04/us/04adopt.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

The carpet layers are coming Thursday. This means just a few more days of sleeping in about 300 sq. ft! Yippee do da!

Another Monday, another 6 days of waiting to hear anything. 5 of those days will be intense as those are our last 5 days for a potential 20th travel. When talking to people at church yesterday they were baffled that I might be traveling around the world, to pick up our *almost* 3-year-old in 1 1/2 weeks and we don’t know for sure yet. I laughed because this is our adoption. I warned everyone it would be a bumpy ride and that it definitely is.

Right now I’m somewhat calm. Perhaps this is what they refer to as the “calm before the storm”. Because when I really think about it, this is how my mind works.

Today I need to call the carpenters and beg them to carpet the three rooms we have painted right now so that we can move into them as soon as they’re done. This way, we can move our BR/BA upstairs and move Dailah back in her room. We can set up our closet to re-set up the kids’ closet so it is their own for the first time since we moved here.

After the painters get done trimming out and painting the doors in the other 5 rooms, I will start painting immediately on those. They say they will be done by perhaps Wednesday but definitely by this Friday (Friday appears to be a significant day). So that would leave me this weekend to paint the 5 rooms. I would then beg the carpenters to come carpet next Monday. That would leave me Monday night/Tuesday to move in the rest of our stuff. Perhaps clean a little, etc.

And then of course, potentially next Wednesday be leaving for Ethiopia.

And did I mention packing bags, collecting donations and eating somewhere in there?

Trysten just said, “Mom you are the best cooker I’ve ever seen.” (ahhhh)

Too bad I thought he said I was the best HOOKER he’d ever seen.

I really need to get my hearing checked.