Oh my sweet, sweet Tariku

I’ve been getting enough junk about not blogging lately that I thought I’d sit down and write one tonight. 🙂

It’s been awhile because:
-I have no pictures
-It’s been too hot to blog (have a hot computer on my lap for more than 1 minute).
-I’m really trying to stay unplugged to technology so I can be “plugged in” to my 5 babes
-By 8pm I am completely exhausted and spend the next 2 hours trying to talk myself into staying awake until 10.

When I kept thinking about what to write tonight, one issue kept coming up. Before I started this I sauntered over to Rebekah’s blog and noticed her post was remarkably similar to what I was going to write. About structure, about comfort, about feelings of safety.

Tariku is struggling. Struggling. Everyone else in the family is doing so well.

Tariku is in a tailspin. This boy who is the sweetest, most loving boy is just clearly feeling like he was put in the rinse cycle.

And it’s so hard, so, so hard to watch him work through this.

I mentioned here about Tariku’s triggers.

I’m trying really hard to keep a schedule, to give Tariku plenty of notice about what’s going to happen for the day/week, etc. But honestly, life with 5 kids has lent itself to a high degree of unpredictability.

Again, he’s still a remarkable boy. It’s not like he’s started to get aggressive or started to do things that are that horrible. But he’s started to make fun of Binyam for random things, play in his bed at night rather than go to sleep, etc. Random things, super random, (quite frankly) annoying things. But it’s not about what he’s doing, it’s about the fact that he continues to do them even when we remind him over and over not to do them.

This is not like him.

Even though my mind tells me he can’t help it, that he’s scared, that he’s trying to find his place in this new family dynamic, it’s hard to get through. Zach is gone a lot with work so it’s just me. And it was super hot last week, turns out I’m not nearly as nice in the extreme heat as I am in a more tolerable climate.

My poor, sweet Tariku.

I hate that I can’t do this one thing for him. I hate that his trauma of the past affects him still. I hate that I can’t heal these wounds for him. I hate that he has these wounds in the first place. I hate, hate that I love him so much and that love is simply not enough in this case. I hate that I can’t look at him and convince him that he will always be with us, a beloved part of this family.

Adoption is not for the faint of heart. It’s not for the people who believe that just loving our babes will always be enough.

Because it takes work, it takes guts, it takes balls, it takes all of these things and more.

If you’re adopting and have these rose colored glasses on, you need to chickity check yourself cuz it’s not all flowers. There are some serious skunks in this flower bed of motherhood.

But I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Because being a mother to Tariku has made me a better mother to the other 4. A better wife to Zach. A better auntie to my 3 nephews. A better sister, daughter, friend. A better everything.

And I love him too much. Seriously too much.

We’ll get through this, as we got throuh those first few weeks/months when I kind of, sort of, hoped he wouldn’t always be in our family.

We got through that and now we’re on the other side, when I need him in this family.

So I’ll hug him when I feel like screaming, I’ll smile when I feel like crying, I’ll whisper “forever” when he feels like “no more”. I’ll do all of this.

Because this is adoption. This is family. This is now, it’s then, it’s someday. It’s all of that.

Today, and everyday, we lean on Grace more than ever before.

It’ll come, it always will.

And when it does, he’ll know I’ll always be his mommy, and he’ll always be my baby. Always. Always.

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11 thoughts on “Oh my sweet, sweet Tariku

  1. I don't know you at all, but I follow your blog with tears and joy. So glad the boys are home, but so sad – so there with you that you are struggling. I whispered to my bio daughter tonite "you are one of my favorite people" even though I really wanted to throw her out the window. Thank you for being being honest and true – it will carry you and someday, your children will thank you for loving them.take good care of that love,heather

  2. Ah Tesi. You made me cry. You know we support you and your whole family. We adore you and wish nothing but the very best for all 7 of you.Lots of Love coming from out west!!

  3. 'chickity check'?? love that phrase. I'll be using it with a certain one or two children of mine. Not the third child though, she gets a free pass, for awhile:)Oh Tariku – I think of him often when I look in Matthew's face and wonder who is a more handsome guy:) I am certain he will find his way to handle it all. It may take awhile – it's a rough life our kids from Ethiopia have had – but he has all the tools to get there. Sadly, even if our posts are 'remarkably' similar, mine is about ME, not a child, and I dropped a modified f bomb while you stuck to more delicate descriptive words like skunk.

  4. "There are some serious skunks in this flower bed of motherhood."i love this.thanks for being real.seriously.God is using you to show His love and grace to SO so many.let go and let Him…praying for you guys!

  5. So, so hard. This parenting stuff. This adoption stuff. The reality of what brought our children, our precious children, into our lives. But a great thing…is that you realize it. And that in itself puts you at an advantage. You may not completely understand as you haven't walked in his shoes, but yet you get it because you love him with all your heart. Continue to prove to him that momma's here to stay and he'll cling back on. Right now he's just trying to grasp for anything that will stabilize. Love you. Love him. Love the whole bunch.

  6. Great Post Tesi! Keep on truckin, you are doing it!!! I was wondering how Tariku was doing with his brothers' home now, it's a lot of change for him again– It's a lot to process!! When you can't exactly put words to your grief, it comes out in other ways- you are an exceptional mother, and it's great learning from you!

  7. Precious peace to you and Tariku. Prayers always your way. The skunkbed of motherhood and the constant need for Grace. Absolutely. To you the girl with the Ethiopia hat from the girl with the Halle Selassie t-shirt who is covered in more bodily fluids than she cares to consider, love and blessings. See you Friday.

  8. You can do this. Yes, you can. And so can Tariku. Transition sucks, and he has to go through the process too. We wish we could shield them from it, but no. They have to deal with the hard stuff too, and it sucks. Especially when they've already been through so much. You are doing a FABULOUS job. Just keep doing what you're doing. Praying for you.

  9. Your posts just amaze me. I can't even tell you how much I admire you and Zach and what you do for those boys. Just amazing.I was reading a magazine today *ahem* atwork *ahem, and there was an article called "Modern Family" (it's in Ladies Home Journal). It's abut Marily Berger. She's 74 years old and raising an 8-yr.-old boy from Ethiopia. I thought it was something you might really enjoy. Maybe you won't. I found it extremely touching. It doesn't shed light on the details like you do. Those details, like Tariku's triggers but it was wonderful.

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