Weeks like this one just make me feel heavy. I am a feeler. As much as I have tried in the past to stop being a feeler I just can’t, it’s an impossible task. I’ve really grown to love how much I feel everything and have even begun to allow those feelings to propel me into action the last few years.
But sometimes being a feeler sucks.
The events of this week caught up to me today because I hadn’t allowed myself to fully process it all week. So I chose to take my morning away from stuff and spent some time in meditation and am now spending some time here.
I know the world reacts to weeks like this in different ways, right? I think as Americans we are even “encouraged” to react a certain way-with tremendous amounts of fear. And so on days like today I tend to feel really lonely.
Because I don’t feel afraid, I feel sad. I feel sad for the people of Boston-not just the families that have had people killed or severely injured-but for everyone. I feel sad for the people of Texas. I feel sad for the people in Congress who
can’t grow a pair and do what’s right are so crippled by their need for re-election money that they no longer remember why they tried for office in the first place. And, as scary as this is to admit, I feel sad for the Boston bombers. I feel sad for their families, for their uncle who had to go on national television and call his family “losers” just so other Americans didn’t retaliate on his family.
I just feel sad.
And that’s ok. I’m thankful I have slowly reprogrammed my body away from what my society wants it to do (fear) and towards what God intended it to do (love, hope, sympathize).
It’s kind of a scary place to be. There are days when it hurts a lot to be this vulnerable, but feeling tremendous amounts of sadness also means that I’m better able to feel tremendous amounts of happiness too. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
So if you’re out there and you’re like me, if this week has just left you feeling sad. If it’s left you feeling a bit lonely because you don’t want retaliation, you don’t want retribution, you just want things to be ok. You want the country and the world to start healing. If that’s you, then I just wanted you to know I’m with you. I think there’s a small pocket of us that grows every day. So even when people call us “soft” or “out of touch” or whatever, just know you’re not alone.
Much love to you,
P.S. After I published this, I read this. Go read it, please. Really good stuff.
So very well expressed, Tesi. I feel less lonely and less in despair after reading your post. I simply could not muster any energy to do what you so brilliantly did. And for this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Now I feel a little less like going back under the covers. I will pick my daughter up from school in 30 minutes and smile. I will keep my heart open wide and share the big love you just gave to us. Bless you.
I love you. This is exactly how I feel. Not fear. Deep sadness. And lots of wondering what makes people feel so angry and estranged from our basic humanity that the very first reaction to tragedy is to disseminate hate.
I like how you said ‘reprogrammed your body.’ That’s what it ultimately is, right?